There will be ups and downs. There will be good days and bad days. I know this. The thing is, that sometimes when there are bad days, I can handle those because I have plenty of experience with them. When the days go from bad to really bad, turns out I don’t handle those too well. Sadly today was one of them.
This was the second day of summer for my kids. I work from home, which can be a blessing sometimes and a curse other times. By 9:00 in the morning I was already telling myself that it was going to be a long summer. I had been trying to work all morning, and I was constantly interrupted by one kid for something or other. My youngest is 7, the middle is 15, and the oldest is 16. The little one understandably needs more of my attention, but the older two should be able to leave me alone for a while, which they usually are pretty good about. Not today. Each of them needed something that could not wait. The haircut couldn’t wait. Well according to them, the haircut could wait, but they just needed immediate verbal clarification that they would, in fact, get the cut at some point today. “Yeah later” was apparently not good enough. It was just that sort of day.
Some people understand anxiety and some don’t. Those who understand will know that anxiety is something that you can’t control. There’s a point of no return where you can’t just shut it down. The best you can do is try not to get to that point. When I start to get stressed out, it becomes a vicious cycle that usually will lead to a full anxiety attack. I’m aware of this so I always try to stop and breathe.
So the day went on just as it started. My daughter and I took the dogs for a walk at dusk and I started thinking about the day that I just had. I thought about how there were things that were supposed to get done, and I don’t think I got to any of them. Rather than thinking about the things that I can do, I started to focus on those that I can’t do or wouldn’t be able to do. Then I started to get really depressed about the things my kids need from me that I am unable to give them. Things that I want to give them. A summer full of fun activities and family outings. A summer full of DIY projects for their rooms.
I’m lucky if I can do the basics every day. We need to have food to eat, I need to do laundry so we have clean clothes. We need to clean up our messes. On a daily basis, I struggle to get all of these things done. There is no way that I could possibly add anything else to the mix without seriously neglecting something else. The upsetting part is, there is nothing I can do about it. I have fibromyalgia and because of that, there are so many limitations on the types of things that I can do. I don’t have the stamina to do things that require anything physical. A day walking around Disneyland? Nope. I would literally pass out from exhaustion.
Fibromyalgia brings me cycles of ups and downs. I haven’t figured out the pattern yet. If I knew the pattern it probably wouldn’t make any difference. I know there are so many moms out there fighting struggles that I know nothing about, yet they get it done, right? I mean, being a parent is a struggle in itself, but some parents have more challenges than others. I know that on most days(except for when I’m binge watching or binge reading) I do the best that I can, but I can’t help but feel the guilt when I think of everything my kids are missing out on because of my struggles. Above all else, I love my kids and I want to be the best mom that I can for them. Has anyone else had a similar experience? I would love to hear about it.